Have you ever found yourself thinking: "Why does the same thing always happen to me?" Sometimes the people, the job or the situation change. Yet the story seems to repeat itself. We may once again choose a relationship that hurts us. We may react the same way to conflicts. In some cases, we may give up on something we truly want. In psychology, this is often linked to patterns of behaviour and emotional patterns. These patterns form gradually over the course of our lives.

What are behaviour patterns?

Behaviour patterns are the ways of thinking, feeling and acting that we repeat. Over time, some of them become automatic. In therapy, an important question is: "What feels familiar to you, even if it isn't good for you?" The human mind often seeks what it knows. That is why the familiar can seem safer than the unknown. However, something familiar is not always something healthy.

How are these patterns formed?

Many patterns begin in childhood. The way we received love, attention, criticism or support can influence later life. For example, a child who is praised only when perfect may learn to constantly seek others' approval. In the same way, a child who learns to hide emotions may find it hard to express them as an adult. However, the past doesn't necessarily determine the future. Experiences create patterns, but patterns can be changed.

Why do we repeat the same patterns?

Often, emotional awareness is missing. When a reaction becomes automatic, we no longer analyse it. We simply react. For example, we may think: "I'm not good enough." Then we start behaving as though this is true. We may also think: "Nobody understands me." As a result, we may withdraw from people even when we need closeness. In psychological therapy, the aim is to understand these patterns. Then we learn to create new ways of reacting.

How can we break these patterns?

1. Identify the pattern that repeats. First, write down the situations that happen to you often and observe what they have in common. 2. Observe your emotions. Ask yourself what you feel before you react. 3. Distinguish the familiar from the healthy. Don't consider something good just because you have experienced it many times. 4. Check your automatic thoughts. This way, you can tell whether you are reacting to today's situation or to a past experience. 5. Ask yourself what you are looking for. Sometimes, behind a behaviour lies a need for love, security, attention or acceptance. 6. Set healthy boundaries. For example, learn to say "no" when something isn't good for you. 7. Change one reaction at a time. Instead of trying to change everything, start with one concrete behaviour. 8. Don't blame yourself. Many patterns were created by experiences you didn't choose yourself. 9. Accept difficult emotions. You don't need to wait for fear or guilt to disappear in order to make a healthy choice. 10. Seek help when necessary. If the pattern keeps repeating, psychological therapy can help you understand and change it.

A simple exercise for today

Take a sheet of paper and write down a situation that repeats itself often. First, write what happened. Next, write what you felt. Then, write what you thought. Finally, write how you reacted. Now ask yourself: "What could I do differently next time?" This exercise helps you create distance between the emotion and the reaction. For this reason, it can be a first step towards change.

A closing tip

The next time you think "Why does the same thing always happen to me?", change the question. Ask yourself: "What am I repeating?" Then ask: "What is this telling me about myself?" Finally, ask: "What can I do differently this time?" Because change doesn't always begin by changing the people around us. On the contrary, it often begins by understanding ourselves. And that is exactly where the possibility of creating new patterns, healthier relationships and a more conscious life begins.