Until yesterday they were a calm child who listened to you and wanted to spend time with you. Today they are an irritable teenager who shuts themselves in their room, argues, gets annoyed over small things and answers: "Leave me alone!". As a parent you may ask yourself: "What happened to my child?" If we were in a therapy session, the first thing I would tell you is: don't immediately see this change as your failure or as your child being "spoiled". Adolescence is a period of great physical, emotional, hormonal and psychological change.

What happens in the teenage brain?

The teenage brain is still developing. One of the areas that continues to mature is the prefrontal cortex, which is linked to planning, decision-making, impulse control and weighing up consequences. Meanwhile, the brain systems linked to emotions, reward and emotional reactions are very active during this period. That is why sometimes the emotion arrives faster than the ability to control it. This may explain why a teenager can explode over a situation that seems unimportant to an adult and, a little later, behave as if nothing has happened.

Why does a teenager get irritable with their parents?

An important part of teenage psychology is the search for independence. The teenager begins to ask: "Who am I?", "What do I want?", "Why should I do what my parents tell me?". For this reason, boundaries they used to accept without discussion may now be challenged. A simple request like "Put the phone down" or "Go to bed" may be perceived as control. On top of that, school, friends, social media, bodily changes, self-esteem, the desire to be accepted by peers and lack of sleep can add to stress and irritability.

Don't fight irritability with irritability

Parents often tell me: "But when they shout at me, how am I supposed to stay calm?" This is exactly where change begins. If the teenager raises their voice and the parent raises theirs even more, the conflict escalates. Instead, you can say: "I understand you're upset. We'll talk when you're calmer, but I won't accept you speaking to me with insults." So we accept the emotion, but set a boundary for the behaviour.

What does a teenager need from a parent?

A teenager needs more space, but that doesn't mean they no longer need their parent. Try to listen to them without immediately interrupting with advice. Don't compare them with others. Respect their privacy, but keep clear boundaries. Talk when the situation has calmed down and create moments together where the conversation isn't only about school, grades and obligations.

When is irritability no longer just adolescence?

Not every change should be put down to age. If irritability in a teenager is very strong or is accompanied over a sustained period by isolation, loss of interest, major changes in sleep or appetite, declining functioning at school, severe anxiety, aggression or self-harming behaviour, it is important to seek professional help. Remember: behind the words "Leave me alone!" there may be a teenager who doesn't yet know how to say: "I have so many emotions and I don't know how to manage them." A parent's job isn't to win every argument. It is to remain a safe place while the teenager gradually learns to understand themselves, their emotions and the world around them. Recommended books:

How to Understand and Support Teenagers

The Art of Being a Brilliant Teenager

What Do Teenagers Think?

The Tsunami Age - How to Survive a Pre-Teen Child

Get Out of That Room