At first, a relationship with a person with narcissistic traits can seem almost perfect. The attention is intense, the compliments are many and communication can be very intense. You may even get the feeling that you've finally found someone who understands you completely. However, behind this closeness, emotional manipulation, control and devaluation may gradually begin. In therapy I often hear the question: "How did I not see it from the start?" The answer isn't always simple, because emotional manipulation in a relationship usually doesn't appear straight away. On the contrary, it can build up slowly, until certain problematic behaviours start to seem normal.

1. At first they make you feel special

A person with narcissistic behaviour can create emotional closeness very quickly. Compliments, constant messages and strong declarations of love can give the impression of an extraordinary relationship. In some cases, this overly intense attention may be part of what is known as love bombing. The intent isn't necessarily conscious in every case. However, caution is needed when the initial intensity is followed by control, pressure or devaluation.

2. Gradually they start testing boundaries

After the first phase, small controlling behaviours may appear. For example, your partner may comment on the way you dress, criticise your friends or constantly want to know where you are. When you try to set boundaries, you may hear sentences like: "I'm doing it because I love you", "You take everything the wrong way" or "Why do you need to have secrets from me?" In this way, emotional control can be disguised as love, jealousy or care.

3. You start doubting yourself

One of the best-known forms of psychological manipulation is gaslighting. Your partner may deny something they said, minimise your emotions or change the version of an event. For example, you may hear: "I never said that", "You're exaggerating" or "You're too sensitive". Over time, you may begin to ask yourself: "Am I the problem?" This is exactly where it can affect your self-confidence and self-esteem.

4. From idealisation to devaluation

The person who once admired you may start to criticise you. Comparisons, sarcasm, blame or the silent treatment appear. As a result, you may try harder and harder to bring back the wonderful relationship that existed at the beginning. In this way, a cycle of emotional manipulation can form, in which closeness and love alternate with distance, criticism and devaluation. This instability can make it even harder to understand what is happening in the relationship.

5. The blame always ends up with you

In a healthy relationship, both partners can admit their mistakes and apologise. On the other hand, in a manipulative relationship responsibility may constantly be shifted onto the other partner. If you say you've been hurt, the discussion may end up focusing on your reaction. When you get angry, you may be called dramatic. And when you set boundaries, you may be accused of not loving your partner. As a consequence, you start overthinking every word and action, just to avoid conflict.

How can you tell if you are being emotionally manipulated?

As a psychologist, I wouldn't suggest immediately putting the label "narcissist" on your partner. Not every selfish, jealous or manipulative person has narcissistic personality disorder. Such a diagnosis requires assessment by a mental health professional. So, instead of focusing only on the label, look at the pattern of behaviour. If the relationship constantly makes you doubt yourself, feel guilty, lose your self-confidence or be afraid to express your opinion, these are signs of emotional manipulation that shouldn't be ignored. In the end, a healthy relationship should have respect, communication, emotional safety and healthy boundaries. Love shouldn't ask you to lose yourself in order to keep someone else close. Recognising a narcissist's behaviour in a relationship, gaslighting, love bombing, psychological control and devaluation is an important step in identifying a toxic relationship and protecting your emotional health.